A U B R E Y

i just want You to fill me up. i messed up. and i’ve got the same silly lyrics in the back of my head.

We bear your name, and you let us say you are something that you’re not. As if were made after we saw our own faces, and knew we were gods enough. I think we were made to pretty. We’re caught up in a stare we cannot break.

sometimes, more than i like, i let this ugly pride bubble out of me.. and for a few seconds - i become my own god. i hate that.

“When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity; I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed. And the excuse that immediately springs to my mind is that the provocation was so sudden and unexpected; I was caught off my guard, I had not time to collect myself. Now that may be an extenuating circumstance as regards those particular acts: they would obviously be worse if they had been deliberate and premeditated. On the other hand, surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is? Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth? If there are any rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man; it only shows me what and ill-tempered man I am. The rats are always there in the cellar, but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light. Mere Christianity - CS Lewis  

once in a while, i hear You call me by name. You speak with words that i wouldn’t trade for earthly desire. i know i’ve said that before, and i mean it each time. i just talked with a friend about planting Your word in our hearts. the sower and the seeds; classic example stuff. when reading that - i haven’t ever thought of myself as anything but the pure soil. (not in a self righteous way - i just never have given the thought a chance to soak in) but honestly, i’m so rocky. on the surface i’m so ready to accept Christ’s will, but once the seed is planted, it grows for a while, but then the root hits a rock and it stops. i don’t care who you are or what you tell me, saying “Christ do your will above my own,” its stinkin tough to say whole-heartedly. i’m selfish. some things i love, God doesn’t give a crap about. they’re so worldly. i say i want You in my heart - but i’m comfortable holding a few rocks and letting Him have the rest of me. “He is jealous for me,” He wants allll my heart, not just a part of it. i’ve been asking God for so long why He wont get rid of that rock in my soil, but it turns out, I have to be  to move it before it can be thrown away. so, please, do Your will in my life. smash this ugly decitful pride in me. i know it might be painful, or most definitely painful, but i’m willing. engulf my pride and use me to build up Your name, Your kingdom… i love You.

 I’ve officially.. officiallyyy started tumbler. (with this post at least)

So, everything I’m about to say has to do with Easter… which happened to be last Sunday. Even though the stories have been read and the lawns mowed since then.. I’ve still got my mind on this idea, or maybe realization, and I want to try to mentally absorb it by writing it down. Hopefully :P

(I know I have horrible grammar/punctuation. I write like I talk.. with as many pauses, and commas, and dashes as I so desire) :)

You know how you can read a story you think you know, and then you read it again and see something you’ve never seen. Happens to me all the time. I can read about the same event 100 times, and then on the 101st I’ll hear something so striking and new that it makes me wonder if I was even conscious and alert the other times.

It could be that I just started in the middle or the story instead of the beginning. Or someone else will read it and aloud and pause at a place I wouldn’t normally imphasize and POW! it hits me.

Totally happened last Sunday, and when I got home I snatched up the Bible for myself and re-read what I heard, knowing that someone copied or read something wrong. Nope. Right there it was just as I heard it. Only God knows how many times I’ve read/heard the resurrection story. A couple dozen Easters and several times in between. I’ve written about it, meditated on it, underlined it, but I have never before noticed what I did Sunday.

Before I go on - I wonna recount the story. For myself, at least.

It’s a dark Sunday morning. It had been dark since Friday morning.

• Dark with Peter’s denial
• Dark with the disciples’ betrayal
• Dark with Pilate’s cowardice
• Dark with Christ’s anguish
• Dark with Satan’s glee

Mary and Mary Magdalene are heading to the tomb where Jesus was laid. They aren’t hoping the tomb will be empty, there’s no discussing what their response will be when they see Jesus. They have no idea the tomb has been vacated. Maybe they dreamed of something like that before - but prolly not now. It’s too late for incredible. The feet that walked on water had been pierced. The hands that healed lepers were now stilled. When I think about this I automatically wonder why they were headed to the tomb in the first place? What could Jesus give them? What could a dead man offer?? devotion. I think they weren’t climbing to receive; but were going to the tomb to give. period.

There are times when we are called to love. Expecting nothing in return. Times when we are called to give money to people who will never say thanks, forgive people who will never forgive us, come early or stay late when no-one notices.

I don’t know if the Marys were tempted to not even go at all. If they were I’m glad they didn’t. I know something they didn’t know. I know that God was watching.

They may have thought they were alone. They weren’t. Maybe their journey was unnoticed. Wrong. God knew. He was thrilled at their devotion and had a surprise waiting for them.

“And behold, there was a great earthquake, for an angel of the Lord descended from heaven and came and rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothing white as snow.  And for fear of him the guards trembled and became like dead men”

(Now, here’s what I noticed for the first time… )

Why did the angel move the stone? For whom did he roll it away? For Jesus? For some reason that’s what I always thought. :P

I just assumed that the angel moved the stone so Jesus could come out..

But, think about it.

Did the stone have to be removed for Jesus to exit? Did God have to give help? Was the death conqueror so weak that he couldn’t push away a rock?? (“hey, could someone out there move this rock so i can get out..?”) :P

I don’t think so. The Bible gives the impression that Jesus was already out when the stone was moved! Nowhere do the gospels say that the angel moved the stone for Jesus. For whom, then, was the stone moved????

The angel said, “He is not here, for he has risen, as he said. Come, see the place where he lay.”

The stone was moved - not for Jesus - but for the women; not so Jesus could come out, but so the women could see in!

“Then go quickly and tell his disciples that he has risen from the dead, and behold, he is going before you to Galilee; there you will see him. See, I have told you.”

Welp, these ladies don’t have to be told twice. They hightail to Jerusalem. Darkness is gone - sun’s up. The Son is out, but the Son isn’t finished :) Surprise surprise!

“And behold, Jesus met them and said, “Greetings!” And they came up and took hold of his feet and worshiped him.Then Jesus said to them, “Do not be afraid; go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee, and there they will see me.”

The God of surprises strikes again. It’s like he said “I cant wait any longer. They came this far to see me; I’m going to drop in on them.”

God does that for the faithful. Just when the womb gets too old for babies, Sarai gets prego. Just when failure is too great for grace, David is pardoned. And just when the road is too dark for the Marys … the angel glows ans the savior shows (pardon the rhyme :D ) and they neva gonna be the same.

Don’t. Give. Up.

• trail dark? don’t sit
• road long? don’t stop
• night black? don’t quit

God is watching.  For all I know right at this moment He may be telling an angel to move a stone in my life.

Don’t quit. For if you do, you just might miss the answer to your prayers. God still sends angels. And God still moves stones.

I know that was an awful long explanation for what could have been short and sweet. :/

… absorbed? I think so :) Night Tumblr

I’ve been skeptical about adding yet another online “resource,” to my liffffe. I feel like there’s so many outlets for community sharing and sorts, which is wonderful, but when it comes down to my personal mis-use.. yeah, I waste a lot of time.

• another page to update
• another notification
• another communication device
• another boredom reliever
• another customization feature

Sorry, I sound so negative. I’m just trying to mull things around in my brain..

The only doubts I really have are all pointed to myself, not you my dear tumblr. I’m sure you do a great job and have really opened up some windows for a vast amount of people out there. Thanks for that, I’m sure they appreciate it :)

Anyways, the only things I ever really write about are little revelations.

• things I’ve come to realize in my relationship with my savior Jesus Christ
• lessons I’ve learned in retrospect
• lessons I’m trying to see in this haze called “the present,”
• discussions I’ve had with others that ignited something in me
• words, songs, and wisdom that struck a chord somewhere in my being, that left internal impact - and hopefully external action/application as well…

Man,

that bullet point feature is niiice, ima be usin that a lot lots I feel. Really I guess I’m just afraid on the communication plane.. for, as with any device that lets one speak their mind openly, I would be so soo saddened if I were rambling on and someone out there felt burdened by what I said, or misunderstood, or worse yet if i were rambling on and on and this “communication,” didn’t communicate anything at all - if it became dull due to habitual unhonesty and turned yet into another communicator that talked and talked in circles and never got to a point at all. wishy washy. I don’t want to be lukewarm. I don’t want to be purposfuly offensive.

So, I guess this means I’m gonna be honest. And, I’ll actually try, dear tumblr, to learn to use you in a beneficial form :)

Here goes nothin.