“Sometimes I have the strangest feeling about you. Especially when you are near me as you are now. It feels as though I had a string tied here under my left rib where my heart is, tightly knotted to you in a similar fashion. And when you go, with all that distance between us, I am afraid that this cord will be snapped, and I shall bleed inwardly.”—
“I will love you as a drawer loves a secret compartment, and as a secret compartment loves a secret, and as a secret loves to make a person gasp, and as a gasping person loves a glass of brandy to calm their nerves, and as a glass of brandy loves to shatter on the floor, and as the noise of glass shattering loves to make someone else gasp, and as someone else gasping loves a nearby desk to lean against, even if leaning against it presses a lever that loves to open a drawer and reveal a secret compartment. I will love you until all such compartments are discovered and opened, and until all the secrets have gone gasping into the world.”—Lemony Snicket y’all
cry where you got so passionate and and so vulnerable that you have ragged breathing? Like you had to explain yourself or be corrected or just feel as if no one plum understands you? Yeah, like the one where you get automatic hiccups, and pretty much the last time you had it was when you were 6 and your best friend poked a hole clear through your birthday cake with her grimey fingers even before you blew out the candles?
Yep. Had that tonight. Didn’t feel as innocent as then. Felt more like… well, the usual now a days. Felt sanctifying.
Flavor Joy: Confessions of a Mature Adult's Tastebuds
This morning I had a wonderful meditation with God, confessing my inward thoughts to Him out loud on the backyard’s lawn chair as I enjoyed the open sun. I sat and pondered the simple truths that surround my lifestyle with and toward Him. At the end of this time I was excited for the day ahead, and the small tasks that make up my life thus far in Kansas.
I feel great today! I’ve been thinking about everything with a clear mind all morning. Here’s where things get a little silly, and a little less supernatural.
After picking up a few fan favorites at Country Mart, and observing the little tots belonging to Sabetha’s proud families.. I mused at the transformation I have taken in favorite foods over the span of my life. Yes. Food. [I know, I’m completely ridiculous but I just want to share.. relax]
Remember the days when Mustard was disgusting and usually found in the corner of your grandfathers lip crease? Remember how it was equally amusing because it contained the slang name “Tard,” …
I have a love of Mustard. This makes me feel good about myself. I no longer relate the pukey yellow seed mash to disadvantaged children or old people. Now I think of an illegal plant used over an over in history as a symbol of unstoppable power. As a kid, when neighbor friend’s mother would offer me Mustard on my sandwich.. an immediate cringe followed. I remember one time being prodded to try the foul condiment when I was a little older.. I said “Ohhkay, but just a LITTLE bit..” I remember being able to handle it.. but never loving the vinegar based flavor. Over years of having my sandwiches taste of a “hint of mustard,” I’ve come to love and enjoy it with Dill Pickle Spears and Extra Sharp Cheddar Cheese. MMMMMMMmmmm. I have matured to the love of Mustard.
Coffee! That’s a good one. As a tike I once took a gander to sip on my Father’s breakfast coffee. Up until double that age I was completely convinced that coffee was some sort of alcohol - due to the seemingly awful taste that shocked me as a kid. I began drinking coffee when I quit Jr. High. My first year into college I benefitted from coffee’s side effect to help me finish my midnight completion of term papers. Now that I’ve graduated from Folger’s I’m beginning to enjoy the fun in different coffee from all over the world. My adult mind can now distinguish between a nutty and an earthy taste.. and what part of the tongue the flavor hits with what other foods compliment that flavor or distort it. I have matured to the love of Coffee.
What about Banana Peppers? Remember first meeting those guys?! All I knew is it wasn’t a banana.. no where near banana territory. I loveeeed bananas as a kid. Sweet and mushy was my ballpark. Popsicle juice and cosmic brownies were a routine. What the heck is a pepper doing hiding under a bananas name? They weren’t spicy.. they weren’t fruity.. I couldn’t see the point. Subway, I’ve gotta give you the credit.. I now have access to making sandwiches with a seemingly fourth dimension thanks to Banana Peppers. I have matured to the love of Banana Peppers.
I cannot even describe the flavorful horror I experienced with Jalapenos, and the years of life I spent in fear of their power over my mouth and eyes. It took, well, Mexico to get over that fear. For now I freely enjoy salsa and pizza and monster nachos peppered with these lil’ peps themselves. Although occasionally sitting out for this one with maybe a tiny presence of dread or fear, I have matured to the love of thee Jalapeno, especially on chips.
KETTLE COOKED CHIPS! Ahahaha. I remember the first time I ever ate a kettle cooked chip. It is that strong of a memory to me. I was at church eating from our “50’s styled dining” tables, as Josh would say. I reached for a potato chip and frowned upon the thickness it beheld. Ew. Haha. I remember thinking it was a mistake chip.. those ones that aren’t shaven just right or something, and popped it into my mouth anyways. The next chip was the same way. Even the oil they were made in seemed off. I hated it. Where were my flakey salty dream chips? What was this impostor? I thought I loved every kind of chip ever made - but these were just too much. I disowned a portion of the snack food industry that day. Now friends, that, that was a big deal. But alas, I have been redeemed by Sea Salt and Vinegar. That flavor madness pairs perfectly with a thick crunchy chip. Heck! I ate Jalapeno Kettle Cooked Chips for lunch today! That’s two mature-ees in the bite of one! I have matured to the love of Kettle Cooked Chips.
I have a theory behind all of this nonsense.
As I was musing over my diverse lunch and thinking about my current circumstance.. I began to relate my love for all flavors to life. I used to be a sweets girl. Desserts were my forte. I was a HellYess cake girl like my friend Brummel. And Brummel does not take cake lightly. She goes hard with the three tiers. I was unappreciative of the un-iced. And I scowled in the face of ethnic flavor, onions, and old people food. Now, I’m over it. I embrace the spice, burn, vinegar, thickness, texture, sweet-souriness, all of it. I love it all. As a child my life experiences were sweet and uncomplicated. Now I’m tangled with the world and detaching myself from the world has left me scarred and in circumstances my God is only capable of restoring me from. I have grown a greater compassion through trials and now I have grown a greater range of appreciation toward good freaking food. What can I say. It all makes sense.
““Accountability isn’t keeping each other accountable to refrain from our sin or mistakes, accountability is keeping each other accountable to our destiny. It’s reminding each other who we are, what we’re set up for, and what God had promised us. It’s helping each other fixate our eyes upon the promises of God, the shackles will automatically fall off.””
oh my goodness. that baby deer video has my heart in a puddle. i would have been so tempted to take it home with me.
I wanted to sooo badly.. The nurturing fool in me wanted to calm the incredibly nerve-shaken wobbly awkward little baby in my lap, while envisioning a bottle of warm milk and fresh sugar-snap homegrown garden peas. Nevertheless, Father said that was a “wildlife no no.” Shame on me. :P I couldn’t help myself! You should have seen the eyelashes on that lil’ guy.
Let’s be honest, shall we? We, as men, are sad little monkeys. Our natural inclination is to look first for a woman with all the right body parts, and second, one that loves Jesus. You’re probably thinking about that right now. Oh, what well-deserved misery you’re about to experience!
Take the hottest woman on the planet, and if she is insecure, you will have terrible, terrible sex, married-or-not. She’ll want the lights to be out, and she’ll lay there in the dark, not moving, waiting for it to be over, thinking about her imaginary-hideous self, instead of the hot time she’s supposed to be having with you.
Brothers, the world is hard on women, they’re told to scrutinize themselves nonstop, to constantly measure, judge, and compare themselves against each other. If you or I had to live with this, we would be curled up in a little ball on the floor, crying. Our shoes don’t even match our belts! We are a hot mess! A HOT MESS!
A Godly woman has had to overcome all that. How the heck did she do that?
She made a decision to take God at his word. God said, “I’ve adopted you as my daughter.” And she said, “OK.” God said, “You belong to me now, not the world, and not yourself.” And she said, “OK.” God said, “Your worth comes from my love for you, not anything else.” And she said, “OK.”
That means she knows she’s a princess in her Daddy’s Kingdom, with a value equal to the blood of Christ himself. That was her dowry. And she knows that to let someone treat her as less than a Royal Princess is an insult to her Savior.
As a result of overcoming all this, a woman of God is strong in ways you can easily detect, and you had better respect. She is confident, and YOU had better have confidence in HER, or you’re gonna be kicking rocks, little man. (When she says she loves you, she means it. No more of that jealousy nonsense from you, fella!)
And here’s what she knows that I’ll let you in on: confidence is sexy.
That’s right. Confidence. Don’t worry about the size of the sundry body parts, bro. God wants you to be satisfied (Prov. 5:18-19), and the thing that makes that stick is confidence.
So here’s how that breaks down:
— The kind of woman you’re looking for doesn’t play games to get attention. She looks at her man and says, “I’m in need of some attention”. And she expects that need to be met. Now.
— This woman has standards, serious standards, and she expects you to do more than merely meet them. This is a very good thing. You like this, because you like a challenge, because God didn’t raise up no punk who whines about how hard it is to measure up. ‘Cause you’re a man, right?
— A Godly woman knows what she’s worth, and she will be treated that way, either by you or someone else. (Note: You want this to be you.)
— A real woman will expect you to be a real man, and tell her when she’s gone out on a limb. She knows when she’s testing boundaries, and expects to be called on it, not enabled in it.
— A Godly woman keeps it real and says some crazy stuff sometimes, but you’ve got to listen to the real part that’s underneath the crazy part. Her heart is precious, and you are called to bring out the beauty in it.
— This woman talks through her problems. As she should. There will be more words than you’re used to. Way more. Deal with it.
— This woman protects the people she cares about. Momma bear will mess you up. And she expects YOU to protect HER. Remember all the times in your life you’ve wanted to be a tough guy? Well, now she expects you to be one, and so does God. Love always protects, and that means you’re prepared to do whatever is necessary to see your woman taken care of. Always.
— A Godly woman knows who gets a say in her life. And trolls do not get a say. Neither do jacked up family members, clueless girlfriends, or off-base religious people. You, however, do get a say. And she’s expecting you to say something sweet, and helpful, and encouraging… Right now.
— The kind of woman you’re looking for can whisper and get what other women can only get with a shout. She doesn’t scream and holler to get her way. She is persistent, tenacious, and absolutely refuses to give up on what God calls her to, no matter what.
— A real woman of God is not repressed… emotionally, or sexually. If you’re scared of that, then you ain’t ready for a real woman.
— A real woman of God is not jealous of your walk with the Lord, she is TURNED ON by it. When she sees you reading your Bible, when she sees you helping out someone that’s hurting, when she sees the little note you left her with the Bible verse on it that totally deals with her situation and makes her cry… She will give you a look that says, “I’m about to come at you like a jungle cat!”.
— This confident woman of God has worked so hard to clear out all these insecurities and self doubts, and in that space God has sewn seeds of love. Her heart aches with all the love that’s in it. She can’t be silent in the face of that. Love is not a sacrifice for her, she loves out of the overflow of her heart.
All of this is linked together by confidence – her confidence in who God is, how He’s made her, how he feels about her. And that’s the good stuff. Because, remember, brothers, confidence is sexy.
I’m going to take progressive steps to draw closer to the Lord. Facebook is already deactivated. I’m fairly certain twitter is going. I’m unsure of what I’ll do with tumblr. More than likely there will be a break on here as well.
Most anyone who is remotely close to me knows of the changes that are happening in my life. More than ever I thirst for untainted time with the Father. The way I have lived my life in these past months has been full of spiritual growth, and I have counted it a time of joy with all of you. However, every aspect of my life is completely changing. Even tonight there have been discussions that have and will change me for a very long time if not forever. I do not feel comfortable with these changes, but I am willing. Lord, I am willing. This hurts. I have never truly felt so much in my life. God, I’m so doubtful because I cannot see as You do. I feel wounded, but I am choosing to trust in You … with everything.
Through this …. pain, I’m understanding more of God’s mercy and total Love toward me. I am handing my life over to Him to the most extreme extent possible.
I know I would be miserable if I ignored Your work in me through these changes. I feel uncomfortable with this change, but I would be on an entirely different level of discomfort if I didn’t acknowledge this present time and draw to You in prayer, over everything, in scripture.
I am in Love, and out of Him I will not depart.
I’ll be home friday afternoon :)
My dear friends, please be prayerful. I’m excited for what He has in store.
That hymn continues: “bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.”
Shoot. This song has me in complete tears. I gotta post the whole work.
Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side. Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain. Leave to thy God to order and provide; In every change, He faithful will remain. Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake To guide the future, as He has the past. Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake; All now mysterious shall be bright at last. Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.
Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart, And all is darkened in the vale of tears, Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart, Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears. Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay From His own fullness all He takes away.
Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on When we shall be FOREVER with the Lord. When disappointment, grief and fear are gone, Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored. Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.
I read it in my current circumstance, again and again.. meditating on a section at a time. Does it match my life? I’ll never ask myself this. Does my life align with these truths, this Life. Scripture is absolutely alive.. I’m increasingly eager to be found with wrong intentions, be humbled, and change. No matter how long I’m spiritually alive in Christ.. I will always come back to this, for I’m always realizing.. always.